SIGNATURE DRIVE

I just had a new idea.

It's a widely known fact that people, organisations and even governments of small nations, no matter how stubborn they seem at first always cave in at the mere sight of one single secret weapon…

A secret weapon so dangerous, so terrible you have no choice but to stop and sign it when you encounter one in the street.

I am of course talking about…

(cue cheesy scary organ music)

THE PETITION!

That's right! The voice of the people shall help my cause! I've started an online petition which will force (pun intended) Mr. Lucas into a meeting with me. Provided I have enough signatures of course. It's no use calling up Lucasfilm telling them I have to meet George Lucas because 15 people (including relatives and loved ones) also think I should.

No, I need thousands of signatures! MILLIONS!

SIGNATURES! UNLIMITED SIGNATURES!!

So please sign this, and then pass it on to people you know so they can sign it too. As soon as I've reached a hundred signatures, I'll forward them to Lucasfilm. Then at two hundred, I'll forward them again, then at 300, 400… You get the drill.

Of course there's something in it for you readers as well. You people aren't going to sign something when I don't include some incentive to do so, aren't you? So here's the deal:

At every 100 entries, I'll disguise myself as George Lucas and take to the streets for random acts of mischievousness. These acts will be filmed and will get posted online in 15 minute episodes for your viewing pleasure. Now how's that for an incentive? Wait, don't aswer that. Just sign already.

In the meantime: lots and lots of filler material!

ODDS

Right. I had a sitdown this afternoon and I quickly calculated what my odds of actually meeting George Lucas are.

I approached this as a simple math problem, and I kept a number of things in account, namely:

• GL is a busy person. Let's say he works 7 hours a day and sleeps 10 hours. That leaves 7 hours of free time during which he COULD run into me. (Note: figure out a way of adding weekends into the calculation).

• He lives in Florida, I live in Belgium. This might be a small problem for the "accidentally meet GL on the street whilst doing errands" plan. However, the subject has been known to travel abroad. So far Monaco, London and Cannes have been confirmed as destinations.

• Suppose I meet the man. The degree of unexpectedness of the meeting will have influence on the degree of paralysis my body and brain will experience. If I'm not made aware of a meeting beforehand, the sheer idolisation I carry for the man will turn me into a frozen, drooling, mindlessly staring zombie capable of muttering only "GEOOOORGE…… LUUUCAAAAS!". Thus I will not be able to communicate, thus rendering that "meeting" a failure.

• IF (that's supposed to be a big if, but my font size will only go so far) George actually gets around to reading this blog, its contents may scare him away from me.

So, with all that taken into account, the basic formula looks like this:

And the result is 1 in 5 millionbillionsquilliongazilliontrillion (add your own amusing "-illion" word). Even the odds of succesfully navigating an asteroid field are better.

Based on this, I'd say the odds are against me.

No, hang on.

I'd say the entire universe is against me.

DENIAL

I think I'll have to take into consideration that plan A may have failed. Still haven't received an answer to my mail.

Still, I haven't received a send failure either, so the adress does exist. Maybe some poor employee at Lucasfilm is called George and he gets about 10 gazillion fanmails from geeks each day that are intended for "that other George".
Imagine being that guy.
Everyday at work he spends about 7 hours cleaning out his mailbox, then when he actually finds the time to do his real job, it's time to punch out. I'd be frustrated. But at least I'd have the decency to let people know I'm not real George instead of just deleting their mails. That nerf herder!

On the plus side, failure made me productive! New schemes have been plotted. More on that next update!

PEE-ARRRR

No, I'm not trying to sound like a pirate who needs to go to the bathroom. I'm talking about PR. While waiting for an answer from george@starwars.com I figured I need to spread word about this.
That's right. Time to set the shameless selfpromotion plan into motion.
No need to explain here, if all goes well, you'll be hearing about me soon.




[edit] My mother made me promise I wouldn't do anything involving guns or suicideattempts to attract attention to me (this time). No, no nudity either (darnit).

GIDDY

Since pressing that "send" button just under 24 hours ago, I've been sitting in front of my computer like a giddy schoolgirl.

If I press "send/receive" one more time I think that button will get a restraining order against me…

FIRST CONTACT

Like I said in yesterday's post I've sent an email to george@starwars.com. Below is a transcript.

To: George Lucas (george@starwars.com)
From: Jan Van den Abeele (iamnotstalkingyou@pleasedontsue.net)

Subject: Star Wars Holiday Special, your's to destroy! PLEASE READ

Dear mr. Lucas,

It has come to my attention that you do not like the Star Wars Holiday Special. Even though millions of fans are waiting for said special to be released and to be accepted into the official canon, you persistently keep it locked up in your archives. You have even been quoted as saying: "If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it." Personally, I couldn't agree more. If I'd have made something as magnificent as Star Wars, I wouldn't want somebody drawing a christmas hat on it and calling it "Special" either.

Storywise there's not a thing wrong with it, it's all about the execution. And about Jefferson Starship. And about one of the Golden Girl's singing along with the cantina aliens. And about Diahann Carroll singing suggestively to Itchy the wookiee. Surely that part alone provides reasons enough to destroy the thing.

But despite your gallant efforts at keeping the scourge of good taste locked away in its vault it keeps on replicating. The darkest corners of the internet are swarming with bootleg copies, yes, even Youtube has clips! I've even seen shady characters sell downloaded copies with a homeprinted cover at conventions claiming it "officially licensed". I could go on and on, but just sitting here typing my frustrations makes my eyes turn to a "sithly" yellow hue already.

So in conclusion mr. Lucas, I think it is up to us to send a clear message and I know just the thing that will get our point across: I've got a hammer and a bootleg copy of the Holiday Special right here at home. You're welcome to come over and smash it into as many pieces as you like.

Yours truly
Jan Van den Abeele

Fingers crossed!

SMASHY SMASHY!

I promised you all crazy schemes in order to get George's attention.

Here's the first scheme (in a series of "I don't know how many"):

I've read somewhere that George stated that if he had time and a hammer, he would personally track down and smash each and every copy of The Star Wars Holiday Special in order to eradicate it from human memory.

I seem to have gotten hold of a bootlegged copy of said Holiday Special (aka the thing that should not be) and a hammer.


I shall now send an email to george@starwars.com in which I invite mr. Lucas to come over and smash away!